Hello again, it’s Grace Chatting here still answering your questions about love, marriage and relationships, that I’ve received mostly by email. I get a lot of questions which are all in the category of should I stay or should I go?
This one is from James and he’s been with his partner for seven years and they’ve been planning to get married because they want to have children. He’s saying that his partner is now not sure about whether to carry on with the marriage because she thinks that for her their relationship has lost its spark. This is not an uncommon problem. It is no coincidence that people talk about the seven year itch. There are stages in our development as people, individual growth, there’s the seven stages of man, there are different life stages and relationships grow and develop as well.
Actually a lot of the couples that I see, their relationship feels to them like it’s really in trouble, they’re feeling unhappy, everything looks as if it’s going to break down, they’re not seeing eye to eye and actually there’s a whole lot of confusion around for them as to what’s going on and what’s happened all of a sudden, we were quite happy and now there’s all this confusion and we don’t even know if we want to stay together.
The End of A Chapter Is The Beginning of A New One
If you get into a situation like that and it finishes up should I stay, should I go, what should I do, mostly those kind of scenarios are a bit like – I’m kind of looking around behind me here, I’ve got some plants – but if you have a plant, sometimes if a plant has been in a pot for too long you’ll see that it starts to become root bound, the roots start to come out of the bottom of the pot, and you look at it and your common sense tells you this plant needs to be re-potted into a bigger pot and so you re-pot it otherwise it becomes pot bound. Actually it’s my theory that that’s what happens to relationships as well. Every so many years, it probably is actually every seven years-ish and that coincides with the stages of our personal development, relationships you need to take stock of them, a bit like you get your car MOT’d and serviced, relationships need to be serviced every so often and they need to be re-potted and if people have been staying static and stationary for too long they’re not growing.
So sometimes it can be a bit alarming because it looks like the whole relationship’s breaking down but actually when a couple comes to me with these kind of issues, I think that’s a good sign because it just means they need to re-pot themselves and they’re ready to move on to a deeper level of relating and a deeper level of relationship and of developing their relationship skills.
So should I stay or should I go, in that situation I would say definitely stay because if you don’t and you move on to another relationship, there’s all the interim period of feeling miserable because of the ending of the relationship you’ve been in and then all the scouting around looking and finding another partner and all the building up of another relationship, and then you’ll go seven years in that and then you hit the same obstacles of needing to grow and develop. I would say stay, learn about relationship development and have a look at my programme Mend It Don’t End It on kajabinext.com and see how to turn the whole situation around and make it work because it can work.
Bye for now.